Season Salad, Nothing Like Harry Potter
by CompYES
Summary: This is the craziest Harry Potter Fanfic you will probably every find. The story of a girl destined for greatness but trapped in the most dismal school. At least she has her friends, crazy Icky and misunderstood Jenny, to suffer with her.
1. The Ways of a Witch

Season Salad:

Chapter One: The Ways of a Witch 

"Wake up darling!" Rachel's loving aunt called up the stairs. Slowly she got out of her king sized bed and left her lavishly furnished bedroom. As she walked down the stairs she saw her cousin, Cara, leave her bedroom, a.k.a., the boiler room.

"Cara! Hurry up and make your cousin Rachel food to celebrate your birthday!" Uncle Jack yelled at his daughter.

"Of course father, I love making things for everyone!" Cara replied, always optimistic.

"Uncle Jack, I can just make it-" Rachel tried to say.

"Of course not sweetie! You just come over here and use your cousin's new foot massager while reading the comics!" Aunt Alice insisted.

"Well I don't want to inconvenience anyone, so sure!" It was wonderful how everyone obeyed her every wish! Rachel thought to herself. It was almost like, well, magic. But that's just stupid. Magic doesn't exist.

"Mails here! There's a letter for you Cara." Uncle Jack called from the front door.

"Really!" Cara exclaimed. She NEVER got mail.

"No! ha ha!" her father laughed, "But there is one for Rachel!"

Rachel got up to go get the letter. It was thick, and slightly pink tinted. She opened the crummy little wax seal shaped like a skull and crossbones.

She read the letter slowly; it appeared to be written in orange crayon on a piece of printer paper.

"No way!" Rachel exclaimed, "This letter says I've been excepted into a school of magic and planned randomness! But that's impossible! There's no such thing as magic!"

"Now what have I been telling you all these years!" Aunt Alice exploded, "There is such thing as magic! You have to attend that school!"

"Of course there's such thing as magic! In the heart of every American, in the smile of every baby, and in every Disney movie!" Cara gushed like the romantic she was.

"Must you ruin every dramatic moment! Go back to the boiler room!" Aunt Alice reprimanded.

So that was how, six days later, Rachel ended up in the center of Canada, where the magic world headquarters was located. You know, where no one might accidentally stumble upon it.

"Goodbye dearest! Hope you have a wonderful year! We'll send you care packages every day!" Her family waved goodbye at the border. Now all she had to do was find out her "magic center" then take an eight-hour train ride to 'Season Salad'.

"I guess this is it…" Rachel said, slowly walking into a shop, which said in big bold letters: **"MAGIC CENTER" THIS WAY: ALL NON-MAGIC FOLK NOT WELCOME**.

"Ah! Miss Rachel… I've been expecting you." A crazy old man with big buckteeth and wild hair said as soon as she entered the shop.

"And you are…." Rachel prompted.

"Shmiggen, your godfather!" The old man exclaimed (AN: Olivander), then, to the look of horror on her face, "Nope! Just kidding! I run this shop! I told you mother and father what their "magic center" was when they were your age."

"You knew my parents?" She asked eagerly; no one ever talked about them at home.

"Ah yes. It was horrible how they both spontaneously imploded. Such nice people, powerful wizards too." Shmiggen replied, "Now to find you magic center. Come sit down."

After an hour of testing, Shmiggen finally came to a decision. "Your magic center appears to be this wand! How weird! Most witches and wizards have magic centers relating to one or more of their body parts, which is activated through a certain movement, like dancing."

"Well that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Rachel whispered under her breath.

"What did you say?" Shmiggen asked.

"Nothing!" She replied quickly. Rachel quickly paid using the wad of cash her aunt and uncle had given her. It was finally time to just get to the damn train.

"Mom! Where's the portal already!" a brown haired girl wined, pulling on her mothers sleeve.

"Shut up Ashley! Were almost there!" the mother said, glaring at the girl and dragging a younger boy around by the arm. (AN: Mrs. Weasley she's not.)

The woman dragged her daughter toward a huge shiny doorway, which stated _Train To Season Salad_ in neon green, again, not so subtly. For a 'secret' world they were awfully obvious.

Surprisingly, no non-magic folks seemed to be going into the portal, or even looking at it. Wow. Guess the whole world was oblivious. Rachel looked up to see a young woman running over to her.

"Rachel?" She asked tentatively, "I've been looking all over for you! I'm your guide to the magical world! Professor Squeebley asked me too look after you."

"And a great job your doing. Aren't you a little late?" Rachel asked sarcastically.

"So sue me. I over slept!" The woman said grumpily (AN: Hagrid), "By the way I'm Harriena, Pet Babysitting teacher at Season Salad."

"Cool. Now, any more words of wisdom for me before I get on the train?"

"Yes! I need to tell you, you are quiet special, and everyone but you knows it!" Harri exclaimed.

"WHAT! I'm special how?" Rachel asked, giving the strange woman a quizzical look.

"Well, there was a prophesy about the time you were born about this really cool witch who was all going to help us out and save the world with the help of her friends, and everyone thinks its you! You know, because you have that star-shaped berth mark on your lower back."

"Oh! You mean the awesome one that looks like a tattoo? I did kind of wonder about that…" Rachel said, she'd always just assumed it came from the "plane crash" that had killed her parents.

"Yah, well that, and the fact that your parents imploded makes pretty much everyone believe that you're the witch from the prophecy. So you know, you might get some weird looks, maybe a little admiration, from everyone."

"Cool." Rachel stated; she'd always liked the idea of being famous…

"Oh yah, and I got you a pet." Harri smiled, holding up a large cage holding what appeared to be…

"A ferret!" she said incredulously, staring at the little auburn thing running crazily around its cage.

"Yup!" she beamed, "Great pets! Wonderful fun, hope you enjoy it!" she shoved the cage at Rachel and gave her a little push in the direction of the portal. Then left as quickly as she had appeared.

Rachel walked straight up to the portal, dragging her suitcase behind her, shaking her short dirty-blond hair out of her eyes. It was time to go to Season Salad and fulfill her destiny of become a super-cool witch lady who saves the world.

End Of Chapter One

Hello! This is Elirisa-kun and this is my first joint story w/ Liru-chan! I'm really excited about actually finding the time to finally write up this story. This is technically a Harry Potter fic, but it's really, really, crazy, so if you don't really connect it to HP, I totally understand!

So! R&R please!

- Ri-Ri-kun


	2. A Friendship Is Formed

Chapter Two:

In Which A Rather Ridiculous and Questionable Friendship Is Formed

Rachel walked slowly towards the "indiscreet" platform her train was supposed to arrive at

Rachel walked slowly towards the "indiscreet" platform her train was supposed to arrive at. Setting down her six deluxe suitcases and smelly ferret case she lounged against a station bench and began to survey her fellow magic pupils.

She narrowed her eyes at them. Most appeared to be about her own fifteen years of age. Some wore long robes decorated in daisies, complete with little yellow umbrella floating over their heads. Others wore skimpy swimsuits with towels rapped around their waists. Still others were adorned with gigantic ski parkas. The more normal ones wore scarves and light sweaters.

They appeared to be from all over the world, all different shapes, sizes and decorations. Their only true connection seemed to be that in the outside world they would all be labeled "freaks". But hey, she was one of them now, so she was probably supposed to be a little more open-minded.

A little ways off she spied the brown haired girl from the station. She appeared to be running straight for her. Rachel let out a strategic yawn, stretching out her feet just as the other girl went past. The brunette went sprawling.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!" The brunette appeared to find her own clumsiness vastly amusing.

"Freak." Rachel whispered under her breath.

"Huh what?" the other girl asked, still lying sprawled across the chartreuse linoleum floor, propping her head on her fist but making no move to stand.

"Nothing!" Rachel quickly replied.

"So, what's your name?" The brunette asked in a fast, sing-song-y voice. Before Rachel could supply an answer she continued, "My name's Ashley Narcolepsian! Not that it matters much anymore! As soon as we get to Season Salad we get new names! I call dibs on Feegl-shwasn!"

Everything this "Ashley" character said seemed to end in an exclamation!! But hey, Rachel was accepting that she was going to be surrounded by freaks a lot these days.

"My name's Rachel." She supplied when Ashley stopped to take a breath, "Rachel Weaver."

"REALLY!!" Ashley squealed, "That is so AWESOME! You're that prophecy chick! I wish I had a prophecy about me! Instead I just tend to make people run screaming!!"

She seemed insanely proud of the fact.

"Are you going to get up off the floor any time soon?" Rachel politely enquired.

"Nah!!" Ashley replied. "I'm so used to lying on the floor at home (that's where my bed is, yah see) and this floor is so much nicer then ours!" She began to express her appreciation by rolling willy-nilly across the linoleum.

"Oh-kaaayyyy…." Rachel smiled uneasily. "That's…. lovely."

Just then a brunette boy with a pale and thin build similar to that of Ashley's walked over and stared down at her with highly raised eyebrows.

"You are SUCH a freak," he supplied.

"Uh-huh!" She smiled, momentarily stopping her floor-frenzy to survey the newcomer. "But I get to go to magic school and you get to stay hoooo-ome!" she sang.

The boy rolled his eyes. "Well, yeah. But at least you'll be out of the house!" He stuck his tongue out at her.

"That's my brother." Ashley unnecessarily explained to Rachel, "His name's Richard and he's a dummy, but I love him anyway!!"

"ME??" Richard appeared out raged by the accusation. "You're the one with the floor-fetish, you weirdo!"

Just then, before their scintillating sibling feud could escalate, a rather eccentric horn could be heard emulating from the train tunnel.

"Is that… the ice cream truck song?" Rachel asked in confusion. Everyone else seemed to find the ice cream-song-playing-train perfectly normal. Some kids even hummed along. Ashley took a different approach.

"ICECREAM!!" she screamed, jumping up and running towards the track.

"Oh sh--!!" Richard sighed, running off to grab Ashley by the back to her shirt and straining to pull her away from the on-coming train.

"Wait tell it stops, freak!!" He screamed, managing to pull her back to the bench where Rachel calmly surveyed her newfound "friend"s act of pure insanity.

"ALL ABOARD!" The train captain, a man dressed in a 1920's mobster suit of magenta-colored suede, called out to the hoard of oddly attired students.

Finally, the woman previously seen telling Ashley to shut up who was presumably of some relation to the crazy siblings, appeared, a huge grin on her face.

"Mom!" Richard cried out in relief, "Where have you been? Ash almost got hit by the train!"

"Oh, she never was the brightest of the brood", Mrs. Narcolepsian shrugged, kissing her daughter affectionately on the forehead. Ashley smiled a 100 watts back at her.

"Who's your oddly dressed friend?" Mrs. Narcolepsian asked cheerfully, turned to a rather confused Rachel. She'd never been called oddly dressed by a woman wearing a pink and green, moth-eaten bathrobe before.

"That's Rachel WEAVER!" Ashley supplied, "How awesome is THAT!?"

"Oh my! The prophecy girl! You better become very good friends with her too increase your own social standing!" Mrs. Narcolepsian order. Ashley nodded agreeably.

"You know," Rachel began, an evil grin forming on her face, "My true friends always perform heavy labor for me to stay in my good graces. And these bags are pretty heavy…"

Ashley jumped at the task, grabbing two bags per arm and skipping over towards the boarding train, singing loudly the whole way.

"Grab the rest, Richard!" his mother snapped, kicking him over towards the luggage. He grabbed the remaining bags, grumbling about pretentious old hags the entire way.

Left with only her smelly ferret cage, Rachel skipped on to the "ice cream" train.

Right after she boarded and arranged her suitcases around her the doors began to close. Richard jumped up and raced for the doors. Just as he was about to climb safely out Mrs. Narcolepsian jump out of nowhere to push him back on.

"But Mom!" He yelled, "I'm not supposed to go for three more years!!"

"Like hell am I feeding you until then!" She laughed, "You're the school's problem now!" She waved merrily as the train carried away two of her "little dears".

"&#&!!" Richard seethed, stomping back towards Rachel and Ashley.

"Haha! You have to go to scho-oool!" Ashley sang.

And so the three main characters of our tale, currently known as Rachel, Ashley and Richard but soon to be known as something altogether different for no apparent reason, began the long and tedious train ride to a school called Season Salad for reasons yet to be explained. (I love run on sentences – don't you?)

END OF CHAPTER TWO!!

Stay tuned for another exciting episode!  I promise I'll write if you read and review!


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